lost

I get lost in the theoretical.

I love to lose myself in music - it has this wonderful harmony that makes so much sense, this lyrical and musical interweaving that brings me into the song and I just want to stop and listen to chords and clever or soothing harmonies without thinking of anything else...

Stories capture my interest, even if they're not even that good. I can be drawn into a webcomic that doesn't even make much sense, as long as it portrays some other place for my mind to dwell. I'll eventually realize that I'm not really enjoying the story if it's not very well done, but if the story is gripping, or the setting is especially telling or engaging, I can be hooked for hours. I create theoretical situations to put myself in based off the situations in a book or story - again, I get lost.

I can lose myself in psychological exercises or hypothetical experiments - like trying to figure out what I believe, what is truth, how things work. I can't explain when I get wrapped up in something, but it usually resembles a thought experiment that would be posed just for curiosity, if that makes sense. Sometimes it can be like something that I would study in school, like a physics phenomena or the way something is engineered or the wondrous way that life systems are put together. I get lost in figuring something out, in making analogies with seemingly unrelated topics, in finding some sort of truth.

I want to recognize things that people don't usually recognize - but that they find impressively compelling. I want to find the curious details of the corners of the world, and I feel that I want to apply them to making the world a better place, as cliche as that sounds. I want to use those "eureka" ideas to bring something revolutionary to the world. I have big dreams that I get lost in what could be.

No matter what I get lost in, my mind moves so quickly from one thing to the next that I can't usually verbalize it - if someone asks me what's on my mind, I have to somehow slow down the train enough that I can see a bit of the track behind me, because I doubt many people would understand my current thought without being able to see some sort of way that I got there.

If left to my thoughts, chances are I'll end up just kinda let things go without having to try too hard to focus on what I'm doing. It just happens...with music, harmonies come without even having to think, it just makes sense, seemingly without regard to music style. Lately I've been in an art class, where I just kinda move stuff around on the page, putting things where it looks like they should go, and it ends up looking really impressive. In an engineering or analytical problem, it eventually just makes sense where things go or how they can work with other parts to achieve something cool. With thought experiments, I just let my mind wander around the issue, and it does its thing - I do my best to keep up. Explanations make sense in my head without words, and with a second or two I can usually form a logical, reasonable explanation in words for...just about anything, really.

I feel that's what I'm doing now. I'm trying to explain my mind, and how it ticks. The strangest part is when my mind make the correlation to action - I can make the most logical conclusions for courses of action or for how to approach a certain problem, but when it comes to implementing the organization that will allow me to follow through on something longer term than a few days, hours, or even minutes, I just start wandering again. It's like my mind has figured it out, so what's the point in actually pursuing the action of doing anything to prove it or put it into action.

..yeah, that's about it for now. I'm done being lost in this post. heh - you may think I'm just saying that to cleverly connect this to what I've already said, but my mind is seriously just on hold right now, trying to get the grammar of this last sentence right so that I can move on to the next...whatever is next.

I've been typing as fast as I can for about 25 min to get all that down, and now I've just sat here for the past minute staring at the screen, because my interest in this is gone. I was lost in it. now I'm not. go figure.

and so it begins

Ok, upfront - this is for me.

For me, wade419, to learn about myself through writing. It's a journal to track my thoughts, my motivations, etc. I'm not trying to prove anything, I'm not trying to give anything to someone else. If others here on the web find my journal and learn something from it, that's wonderful! If someone feels the urge to post a comment, encouragement, observation, or anything - please do, I will read it and try to respond. But the purpose of this page is a place to find myself through my own words.

An "about me" and my first actual journal entry will go up soon.

~wade

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